Wencollins Jokes

I AM THANKFUL

2009-06-17T19:03:00.001-07:00

I AM THANKFUL: FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS

I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

CHEWING GUM!

2009-06-17T01:12:00.000-07:00

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

Who makes the best patients to operate on

2009-06-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

Five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, from Manchester, said :'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'

The second, from Birmingham, responded :'Yeah, but you should try electricians - everything is colour coded..'

The third surgeon, from Edinburgh said: 'No, I really think librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Belfast, chimed in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'

But the fifth surgeon, from London, shut them all up when he observed
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the mouth and the
arsehole are interchangeable.'

Just for laughs!

2009-05-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get fresh milk & 2 papayas
women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service'

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of 'missing
persons'

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY
section.

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take
off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.'

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her
tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED '

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten
everything.

WOW !!

2009-05-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

Can you believe what this man has done with wood

Amazing Talent!

!

Wonder what he does in his spare time????

How quickly the years pass

2009-04-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

Tips for the ladies in year 2009

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b1tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!

Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work, that might need a reason to smile!

WARNING TO WOMEN

2009-04-20T20:34:00.001-07:00

GUYS FORWARD THIS ONTO THE WOMEN YOU KNOW..I'M SURE THEY WILL APPRECIATE IT...

WARNING TO WOMEN
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.
I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

And then the thieves struck again.

My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took
pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with
earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower
than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour
of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I
was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper
arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was
really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a
turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up
and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL
replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time
someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from
you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying
in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was
relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I
slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on
Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart
By the way - These same thieves come in my closet and shrank my clothes!
How do they do it????

My first time!!

2009-04-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

MY FIRST TIME----

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
My fast beating heart
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..

The Ghost advertisement

2009-04-07T01:42:00.000-07:00

Read the story before watching the video:

Strange, but interesting.
This is a car advertisement from Great Britain .
When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving
along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.
They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact
same spot.

The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.
Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the
screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then
following it along the road......Spooky!
Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide.
If you listen to the ad, you'll even hear the camera man whispering in the
background about it near the end of the commercial.
A little creepy, but pretty cool!

Love Story

2009-04-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

I will seek and find you .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

The Facecloth

2009-04-06T04:45:00.000-07:00

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive
today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one
morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

Magic sandal

2009-04-06T04:41:00.000-07:00

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Roping in

2009-04-06T04:40:00.000-07:00

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, "What are they doing?"

He says: "They're making love."

"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked.

"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.

"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.

He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok, I got it."

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

"Whoa, what are you doing?!" he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, "I'm trying to untie the knots so I'll get more rope!"

Can your pecker touch your ass?

2009-04-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pull a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."
Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I
have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.
Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
cookies.

Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Laughing, Gramps replies: "HELL Yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"

The little boy replies: "Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me!"

Second Opinion

2009-04-06T01:22:00.000-07:00

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

Quote of the decade

2009-04-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

Judge Judy - The quote of the decade

Only in America !

The best quote of the decade.

Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'